just get over it.....

• I feel like "here I go again..."
• like I hate this...
• like I just need to deal with it..
• and not complain...
• like I dont want to deal with it....

Its like you want to be strong..... and know you need to.. but there is this breaking point... that you see coming.. but you are avoiding it.. because everyone has trials and I just need to get over it...so you smile and go on with your days.,.. but its so hard...and physical pain is hard to ignore....

So for the past few months I have had constant pain after any physical activity... I have been avoiding it.. scared and worried.. but trying to wish it away!!
My last surgery was quite tramatic....It was just very hard.. and a long healing time... and just..... a lot....
I was doing so great for about 6 months... I could work out.. do whatever, go running, no problems..yay!! my body was fixed...

Now I am at the point where I cant even do minimal things during the day and NOT be in pain... Just doing my primary stuff today at church..checking classes and such..I came home and was in pain all evening..it sucks
really sucks....
And this is the thing.... I just want my body to work..to do the things I want... to to be a mom and be fine.. to hold Madi and pick her up with out being in pain... to run around with the boys ... to clean up do what I need to and just be fine.

All of my clothes are getting too small... but I cant even work out.. then I get all depressed because the world tells me that I need to look a certain way..to be pretty, for my husband to love me, to fit in..ect....I am definitely my worst judge.... And I know thats satan telling me that..I know... and I have to keep telling myself that....
Its weird how we teach our kids when they are little that they are a child of God.... such a simple phrase... but do we teach them the real meaning of that???? a child of God....an amazing child who has talents and strengths and who was created by a loving Heavenly Father.....
How could we if we forget ourselves???? A realization I am coming to terms with... I have always been hard on my self.... always...... But I am trying to realize that I too am a child of God..... Insecurity is my weakness... so now I daily ask my Heavenly Father to make me strong and help me "get over it".......

As I am trying to deal with the pain and the slight (ha!) depression.... I am trying to be strong.. I cried all day today....ya I wasnt strong today.......

And I know everyone has stuff going on... no one wants to hear it... to be honest I hadnt told Hain till this week because I didnt want to stress him out.. or to annoy him with my drama or to have him feel like I was dysfunctional... haha..


I have so many blessings and am trying to focus on them.. I mean really I have amazing blessings... My kids are amazing..and I love them so much I cant even explain.... A great husband who loves me and comforts me even when I think I am not worthy of it... I get to do photography which is something I really love and enjoy:) We have a great home and so many fun times with these kids.. seriously I love them so much! I love my church calling and the gospel..It truly is my strength...So when I think of those.. how can I even be depressed? right?

So I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.. which I am sure will follow with tests.. fun times... so although I wasnt so strong today I will try harder tomorrow...