very personal........

A friend asked me about this so I thought I would post it.. I wrote it on my journal months ago.... but here is my story with depression.... It is so personal, but I know I am not the only one who has dealt!

I thought of sharing my experiences to help others learn more about the topic and how to get help. If you dont want to know too much about me, dont read, this will get personal...

After I had my third child I was very depressed. I was sad all the time, mopey, suicidal, and had a very difficult time. I just felt like no one cared, although they did, I felt inadequate, all alone, scared, worried all the time. I was up all night thinking about everything. My mind was racing about all I needed to get done in the morning. Then in the morning I was too tired to do anything. It was the lonliest time of my life. I didnt want to talk to any one about it fear of judgement for sure. I worried that they (my friends) would think I was crazy or unable to do tasks, or they wouldnt want me to watch their kids, or that I was just a wacko. That was probably my first mistake. As I now know that everyone deals with some sort of depression in their lives. My husband honestly wasnt much help in the begining. I love him to death and he did try, but he didnt understand it, so didnt know how to help. He would ask why I was sad, and my response was I dont know, I just cant function today. and his response was well then just dont be sad... Well if only it were that easy :) Other symptoms I had were hair loss, a lot of it, my thyroid was out of wack, I was weak, tired, and unmotivated to do anything. I am a multitasker and always expect the best out of myself, I try to do it all. and at this time it was all catching up to me and I was unable to do anything. I was fighting with myself constantly. "stop being depressed" "stop crying. your fine" "just do it"
So anyway one day I was stuck on the floor crying my eyes out and literally wanting to hurt myself I decided to call my doctor. I knew I wasnt myself and needed real help. I knew something was wrong although I tried to fight it and ignore it. I tried to keep up with all of my tasks when I just couldnt do it. So I called and was told to call a psychiatrist. I do believe now doctors are more aware, but not so much then. So I went to see a psychologist. She told me I was bipolar and needed lots of meds.
I left the office in tears, confused, sad, and now trying to come to terms with the diagnosis. I was given prescriptions and took them for about a year. I read a lot about bipolar disease and really felt like I was misdiagnosed. I am sure I had postpartum depression, not quite sure why she didnt see that, I mean I think when I went in my baby was about 5 months, or maybe 4...
After a lot of prayer and consideration, fasting and consulting with my husband ( I knew I would need his support) and against the psychologist I decided to get off of the medication. I told my psychologist I wanted to get off the meds and this is what she asked me "Is your life stressful right now?"
Duh I have 3 kids (at the time) and my husband is going through a rough time at work. Then she said well if things are stressful I wouldnt stop taking them. I thought "well then when am I going to ?"
It seems doctors just want to medicate people, not actually help them.
At this same time my husband was sent home from work for 8 months. This time in my life was so important. The Lord knew I needed my husband there, his help, and his strength to get through. I needed his help with the kids, with the home, with everything. And it worked. I am just fine. I can actually catch myself when I am starting to feel a little down. I just tell my husband I am having a down day. Which isnt often thank goodness.
I received counseling, worked on my spirit and my relationship with my heavenly father, my relationship with my husband is stronger, I get out when I need to, and I enjoy life. I have never felt as lonely as I did in those sad days.
When I became pregnant with our 4th, I was very worried. I wasnt sure if I would struggle with post pardum like I did before. Luckily I have not delt with it much, I mean I do have some hard days, but have learned how to deal with it. How to refocus my energy and what I can do personally to feel better.
Depression runs in my family, but I do believe that we can help ourselves. We can talk to others. Thats what our friends are for, they want to help us. Dont be afraid if you need help. Everyone needs help. Get counseling if you need it. And listen to the spirit. Some people do need medication, but I knew I didnt and that is because I prayed for a long time about it. People dont understand what their bodies go through when they have a baby. SO many women suffer from postpartum depression. and just suffer.... It is so hard.
Ask your friends how they are doing, offer assistance and prayers.
A friend of mine asked me how i was and if I was having the baby blues after our last baby. I realized that I was and took steps to feel better.

Here is a little bit of information:
The baby blues
A mild depression is common to many new mothers (approximately 50 percent), and usually occurs immediately after birth. This condition is characterized by sudden mood swings that range from euphoria to intense sadness. It can last for only a few hours or as long as one to two weeks after delivery. Medical attention is not necessary.
Postpartum depression
Women who experience the baby blues are at an increased risk of developing postpartum depression. The condition is characterized by more intense feelings of sadness, despair, anxiety and irritability. The symptoms are longer lasting and may occur anytime within the first year. It often affects a woman's ability to function, and without medical attention, the symptoms may worsen.

• What are the signs of postpartum depression?
  The following symptoms, especially if they linger or get worse, could signal that you have more than just the baby blues:
  Restlessness, anger or irritability
  Sadness, feel like crying a lot
  Worthlessness or guilt
  Fear of hurting your baby or yourself
  Overly worried about the baby or not concerned about the baby at all
  Little or no energy
  Headaches, chest pains, rapid heartbeat, numbness or tingling in the hands or feet, or fast and shallow breathing
  Trouble sleeping well
  Poor eating habits
  Trouble focusing, remembering or making decisions


• What causes postpartum depression?
  There is no single cause for postpartum depression. Physical, emotional and lifestyle factors all may play a role. Depression also runs in some families.
  


• Who gets postpartum depression?
  Any woman who is pregnant, had a baby within the past several months, miscarried, recently weaned a child from breast feeding, or adopted a child can suffer from postpartum depression, regardless of how many previously non-complicated pregnancies and postpartum adjustments she has had. A woman may experience this regardless of her age, socioeconomic status, and number of children she has borne.
  


• What is the treatment for postpartum depression?
  Postpartum depression is treated much like other types of depression. Support, counseling (“talk therapy”) and medications can help. Treatment depends on the nature and severity of the postpartum depression and it is important to recognize that it is both temporary and treatable.